A thread for jokes.

[Räpylätassu]

This is a simple thread to post your best jokes. Or your so bad that they are good jokes. Either way, I'll start.

In the middle of an old western town there was a saloon. A one man from out of town arrives to this little town and heads to the saloon. The man orderes a shot of whiskey and starts to look around. He notices a large glass jar in the shelf behind the counter filled with 20 dollar bills. The bartender notices the mans gaze and says:
"I can see that you noticed our little contest prize."
"A contest prize?" asks the man
"Yeah, if you pay 20 dollars I will give you three challenges to complete. If you manage to complete all of them, you'll earn all that money in the jar." Replies the bartender.
The mans eyes light up and hands the 20 dollar bill to the bartender. The bartender puts the bill in the jar and gives the man a bottle of tequila and two keyes.
"Ok, here's the deal cowboy. First you must drink that whole bottle of tequila at one go. If you puke, you lose. If you must stop drinking, even for a second, you lose. When you have done that, there is a pitbull in the back yard that has a sore tooth. You must remove the tooth with bare hands and live to tell the tale because the pitbull is trained to kill. And finally, there is a 97 year old woman in upstairs. She has never managed to have an orgasm. You will have to change that." The bartender said.
The man looks a bit dazzled for a second, then grabs the bottle and starts to drink. He cries, but does not stop, does not puke and finishes the bottle quickly. Then he stumbles to the back door, goes to the back yard and slams the door shut. Terrible fighting sounds start, kicking, scratching, biting and finally a haunting scream followed by silence. All the towns people in the saloon take of their hats to honor the memory of our storys hero...
BUT THEN! The back door slams open and the man enters the saloon covered in scrathes and bite marks. The man walks to the center of the saloon and shouts...
"Well! Where the heck is that old woman with that sore tooth!"

[CBJ]

An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[Räpylätassu]

I've got am another one that I found funny:

In the large and vast African savannah there were three elephant friends roaming around. There was a big elephant, a middle sized elephant and a small elephant. One day during their happy travels they came accross a giant sized tree. The three elephants admired the trees size until the middle sized one says:
"I can totally take this tree down."
The other two elephants laugh and the big one says:
"Go ahead, try. I won't believe until I see it."
The middle sized elephant takes a short sprint a crushes to the tree with all it's power. The middle sized elephant does that 10 times but tree does not even move. After that the middle sized elephant gives up.
"Bahahaha!" Laughs the big elephant and then adds
"It's a good thing that I am able to take that tree down!"
"Yeah right!" Says the middle sized elephant
"Watch me" Says the big elephant and takes a long sprint and smashes to the tree. There is a huge bang, but the tree won't budge. The big elephant does the same a 100 times but even with all it's strenght the tree does not move an inch.
"Let's just go..." Says the embaressed big elephant.
But the little elephant stays behind and watches the huge tree for a minute. It studies carefully everything about the tree, where it is strong, and where it isn't. Then the little elephant starts to take strides back. After backing for a half a mile, it stops and takes a long, deep breath. Then the little elephant starts running towards the tree with all it's power. He runs faster and faster and faster and slams right to the weak spot of the tree...
...And for f**ks sake, did you honestly believe that the tree would fall?

[ecNate]

A classic from the mid 1990s, still makes my smile though. Possibly offensive, proceed at the risk of your own morals?


I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall.

Although humourous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them, but I could tell they were lying.

Ingrates.

So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

[montecarlojoe]

A couple were going to a fancy dress party as Adam & Eve.
He went on-line to a fancy dress outfitter, and requested a fig leaf.
It duly arrived, and when he tried it on, it was too small.
He sent it back with an accompanying letter which said "The fig leaf you sent doesn't meet my requirements, please send next size larger."
A new one arrived and he tried it on, but the new one was still too small.
He sent it back with an accompanying letter which said "The fig leaf you sent still doesn't meet my requirements, please send next size larger."
This was done, and again the guy tried it on, and again it was too small, and again he sent it back, with the same letter, stating that the leaf did not meet his requirements.
A letter arrived from the outfitter - but no fig leaf - : " Dear Sir, the last fig leaf we sent you was the largest we have in stock. May we therefore suggest that you stick your requirements in your ear, and go as a petrol pump!"

I would have posted a much better joke - but it breaks lots of rules lol. Google "The Tourettes Pianist" if you're curious!

[Räpylätassu]

I would have posted a much better joke - but it breaks lots of rules lol. Google "The Tourettes Pianist" if you're curious!

I know that one! It really is a funny one Coming from a guy with a tourette syndrome here, although my tics have never been uncontrolable cussing (Thank God...)

[Räpylätassu]

Note: These are dark humor, I do not approve the message in these jokes in real life. But they are pretty funny, if you have a twisted mind.

What do you call a 50 dead Swedes in the bottom of a lake?

A good start!

You see a lost and wounded Swede running across a swamp. It's clear that he is not doing very well and needs warmth, rest and food. What do you feel?

The recoil.....

[MagikFingerz]

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

[Cbkimble]

There's a carnival owner who is becoming strapped for cash since less and less people were going to the carnival these days, so he decides to have a challenge. Hed seen an elephants stand on 3 legs, many that could stand up on 2 legs, and one that could stand up on just 1 leg, but had never seen an elephant that could jump completely off the ground. His challenge was that anyone who could make his elephant jump completely off the ground, he would pay $10,000 but it would cost $100 to try.

People came from near and far but no one could make the elephant jump completely off the ground. Then Johnny, we all know johnny, is all grown up and he comes to try. He approached the carnival owner enquiring about the challenge. The carnival owner explained what he had to do and that it would cost $100 to try.

Johnny paid the $100, walked to his car, opened the trunk, and grabbed a baseball bat. He walked up to the elephant, looked him straight in the eyes, walked behind the elephant, and smacked him in the balls. The carnival man paid Johnny the $10,000.

About a month later the carnival man had another idea. He had seen elephants shake their heads up and down but never from side to side. So he opened another challenge that anyone who could make his elephant shake his head from side to side, he would pay $10,000.

People came from near and far but no one could make the elephant shake his head from side to side. Then along comes Johnny again. The carnival man is smiling because he knows this challenge is impossible. He again explains the challenge and said it would cost $100 to try.

Johnny paid the $100, walked to his car, opened his trunk, and grabbed his baseball bat. He approached the elephant, looked him straight in eyes and asked, "do you remember me?" elephant shook his head up and down. Then he asked, "do you want me to do it again?"...

[Räpylätassu]

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

What is brown and hangs from a tree?

A pinecone, you f*cking idiot.

Feeling the Friday here!

[Räpylätassu]

Two Finnish brothers decide to spend a weekend together on their remote summer cotage. They both arrive and in the typical Finnish fashion they start drinking. They drink the whole Friday on silence. When they wake up on Saturday, they drink the entire day on silence again. They start the same on Sunday too but the younger brother speaks for the first time that weekend and asks:
"So how is mother doing?"
The older brother stares his brother and grunts:
"Did you came here to drink or just talk some bullshit?"

[Räpylätassu]

A couple is walking on Leningrad square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it’s raining," says the man.
"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

[Smocito]

"The windshield wiper blades were so "vintage" that, when I turned them on, they dragged the car all to the left such was the friction"

[BaconWise]

This one is so dumb, but it's a classic:

There were three nuns having lunch on a park bench.
A man in a trench coat approached the nuns and proceeded to flash them.
The first nun had a stroke, immediately.
The second nun had a stroke just after the first.
The third nun couldn't quite reach.

[Pablo393]

Mr. Smith goes to see the doctor for his test results and the doctor says,
"Mr. Smith, I am afraid I have bad news for you. You see, you have cancer and you have Alzheimer's."

Mr. Smith looks at the doctor and shakes his head and says,
"Well, at least I don't have cancer."